NORA EPHRON – REMEMBERING WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER!
Jean Hofacket, Director of the Alameda County library
I am so pleased to be here with y’all tonight…
But I have to tell you that I spent the first few days after being charmed into doing this in what my grandmother would call a tizzy.
As many folk can testify, if you ask me to talk about the wonders of public libraries I can carry on forever and 87 days. But this type of presentation is a different thing.
So I fretted…and then like any reasonable person… I fretted some more…
And then – the light went on!
I have always loved reading and watching and hearing Nora Ephron’s work – and I love it for the same reason I love libraries – because they are both about words – about information – about playing with words – about the power of words…
And using words to tell stories – the stories of our successes and failures, the recording of our thoughts – the stories of our lives. Words, stories and power – Nora Ephron and libraries – a perfect match.
I was fortunate to have been born into a family full of strong women, who were honored and treasured for that very characteristic. And I have, throughout my life, beginning with my grandmothers and my mom, gathered role models – Molly Ivins, Barbara Jordan, Helen Keller, Maya Angelou, Donna Brazile – and one of the two Yankees on my list – Nora Ephron. (Eleanor Roosevelt being the other )
Most of us haven’t actually met Nora Ephron – but many of us feel like we know her – or more accurately – she knows us – and of course has said, “ please call me Nora.”
She gave us a distillation of what women felt, or would have said if we had been clever enough. The quips the rest of us wished we”d made, but didn”t think of until the moment passed. Nora gave us a voice.
She gave us a distillation of what women felt, or would have said if we had been clever enough. The quips the rest of us wished we’d made, but didn’t think of until the moment passed. Nora gave us a voice.
She was our secrets, our snark, our doubts and our triumphs. Rereading her words and re-watching her films today, we find moments in time, ways of looking at the world, changes in women and what we wanted from life, with Nora summing it up for us perfectly.
She toppled barriers – in journalism, in Hollywood, in humor.
But more than anything, she opened doors. She put the female experience on the screen and on the written page, she made it visible and worthy – she made it art. Nora took “women’s issues” romance, relationships, food, motherhood, clothes, hair, friendship, aging – and proclaimed that they were not only worthy of conversation, but could also draw big bucks at the box office, which is the only language that Hollywood – and capitalism – understand.
everything with Nora Ephron, this evening is going to be interactive. You have homework…and we have provided pens and papers to help you with this – so you can record what you are thinking and feeling now.
Yes, of course, I want you to listen to my thoughtful and remarkable presentation, but more than that I want you to think about Nora’s effect on your life and what you want to share.
So – for our first exercise – and note that I say “first”… there will be more.
A multitude of folk expressed their sorrow at Nora’s passing and more importantly, their gratitude for her life, work, presence.
Some of the quotes remembering Nora include:
“ It’s hard to lose a friend – even one I never met”
“She was brilliant, gracious and funny”
“What a magnificent spirit and voice””
“She changed romantic comedy forever”
“Such a warm and kind soul”
“The wit, the warmth, the wisdom of Nora Ephron. God how I will miss her.”
What was your reaction when you heard she had left us? What do you think of as her legacy? What would you say if asked to comment on her life?
(First Time To Share)
There are three attributes that resonate most with me when I think of Nora Ephron, read her words, watch her movies…
The first two are honesty and what is called in Ephesians 4:15 – speaking the truth in love.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson said of Nora Ephron:
“She was a journalist/artist who knew what was important to know: how things really worked, what was worthwhile, who was fascinating and why. At a dinner table and on a film set, she lifted us all with wisdom and love; love for us and love for life.”
Nora was an unabashed romantic – her books and films are filled with it – but even more she held to and practiced the gift of love and was known for pulling no punches – she spoke truth in love, she spoke truth to power, truth that made us laugh and nod in agreement – laugh and say oh yeah – laugh with nostalgia or with wry agreement – and she made us think – even when we didn’t agree.
“Speaking the truth in love” – a phrase that embodies so much of the best of humanity – and Nora’s work embodies and reflects this belief and hope.
There are so many quotes to choose from that fall into these categories:
On Parenting and Parenthood: “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
On Bill Clinton: “But when it came to Bill, I’m pretty sure it was the real deal. I loved the guy .. and I fell out of love with Bill early in the game on gays in the military. Then with Monica Bill broke my heart all over again. I couldn’t believe how betrayed I felt. He’d had it all, he’d had everything and he’d thrown it away. And here’s the thing. It wasn’t his to throw away. It was ours. We’d given it to him and he’s squandered it. I bumped into Bill the other day; watching a Sunday news program. He was looking good I could see how much he cared and how smart he was. It was refreshing and moving and to my amazement I could even see why I’d loved the guy in the first place.“
As far back as the 1970s, Ephron sensed the pitfalls of what we now call “political correctness.”” She predicted the debasement of journalism with the publication of People magazine.
She was a feminist who told the truth as she saw it – lovingly, engagingly, frankly. She followed in the time honored tradition of libraries – a good library is one that has something to please and something to offend everyone.
Nora told the truth as she saw it, lovingly, engagingly, frankly. “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” “I know that I’m supposed to write 500 words on this subject, but it seems much simpler: You can’t call yourself a feminist if you don’t believe in the right to abortion.” “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don’t know what the hell they’re doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.” “If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters.”
And in the end, Nora talked frankly about the downsides of aging, something her fellow Boomers are often in denial about.
“Why do people write books that say it’s better to be older than younger? It’s not better. Even if you have all your marbles, you’re constantly reaching for the name of the person you met the day before yesterday.””
“That’s another thing about being a certain age that I’ve noticed: I try as much as possible not to look in the mirror.”
This was something that she was praised for – and criticized for – but she chose to speak her truth.
And then there is courage. Nora Ephron showed us courage in the way she lived, the way she wrote, the movies she made She lived the words of another woman writer (Laurel Thatcher Ulrich) “Well behaved women seldom make history.”
Nora knew she was a writer – and she was determined be a journalist. When she graduated from college in 1962, she applied for a job as a writer at Newsweek , was told that women weren’t allowed to be writers and consequently started as a mail girl. And tonight we are here to celebrate the life and words of that “woman who wasn’t allowed to be a writer.”
She continued to change the norm by writing screenplays because she could work from home while taking care of her small children; she became a director at a time when there were no women directing big budget feature films. She wrote bestsellers and Broadway shows and staked out her territory in cinematic life with a distinctive voice and formidable wit.
Her characters showed her courage and spoke her words of courage.
In Silkwood we have the story of the raising of consciousness of one woman of independence, guts and sensitivity. Karen Silkwood became a crusader for everyone working in the stew of petrochemical-nuclear production.
Karen moved from being self-assured and free-living to radicalized and finally to terrified and as unpopular with her fellow employees who feared losing their jobs as with her employers – but even in her terror courage triumphed – and she continued her crusade. And within the overarching story, a moment that speaks to the efforts of girls and women to learn and know everything there is out there….
Karen Silkwood speaking of her mother: “I remember in high school her saying “Now what’d you want to take that science class for? There’s no girls in that science class. You take home ec why don’t you? That’s the way to meet the nice boys. Mom, I said, there ain’t no boys in home ec. Mom hated when I said ain’t”
This has special meaning for me – my mom was at one point in her life a Home Economics teacher – and when I was a junior in high school she became the teacher who integrated both the Home Economics and the Agriculture and Shop classes – all three for girls and boys.
In my senior year I was told I couldn’t take chemistry because it for boys. My parents took up that fight with me – and out of sheer contrariness I aced that class – with a grade average higher than any of those boys. I think Nora would have been proud.
In Julie and Julia we have another demonstration of courage. Julia Child was a chef, author, television personality – and – spy. After being told that she was too tall to be in the Army or Navy, Julia Child joined the Office of Strategic Services. She began as a typist – what else would you do with a woman – even a tall one?
But that was not where she stopped. From typist, to top secret researcher, to helping develop shark repellant – and then posted to Ceylon and China working in a clandestine role. Spy to chef – now that’s a story worth telling.
In Julie and Julia Nora Ephron uses cooking, becoming a chef, as a way to talk about finding your passion for meaning, for mastery of an art, for taking up a challenge and creating a lasting legacy – not just for culinary excellence but for spontaneity.
Child’s words of courage: “I am way ahead of the others in this class, all men! All of them very unfriendly until they discovered that I was fearless, something I realized about the same time they did.“
And Ephron’s words: Paul Child speaking: “ Jules, you’re being a little over competitive don’t you think?”
Julia: Well you should have seen they way those men looked at me! Like I was some frivolous housewife just looking for a way to kill time!”
And who does not remember “When Harry Met Sally”
“I’ll have what she’s having..”
Nora loved sex, thought it was a great thing – even more, talked about it out loud.
The fake orgasm in the diner scene has been engrained in our social memory and conversation and is a classic. It’s funny – but it is not a classic just because of the humor. Information was being shared – from a woman to a man – from a woman (Ephron) to all men. Men laugh at this scene, woman laugh harder.
Nora Ephron’s statement on courage: “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
And another of my favorite quotes: “A woman without opponents is a woman without opinions.” Hetha Hofacket, my grandmother.
And now here is your second chance to participate. Nora’s words are scattered around this room – and I have just quoted several of them. What is your favorite quote – what does it mean to you? Tell us – share with us…
(Second Time To Share)
My favorite of Nora’s writings is her Commencement Address to The Wellesley Class of 1996.
There are nine years between the time (1962) that Nora graduated from Wellesley College and (1971) I graduated from Northwestern State College in western Oklahoma.
I don’t have a blessed clue who my commencement speaker was or what he or she (probably he) had to say.
I remember that Karen, my roommate from Hawaii, had beautiful orchid and plumeria leis air-delivered fresh to western Oklahoma for us to wear at our graduation.
I remember that my brother, who graduated from high school that same week, got to wear a gold gown and cap because it was the 50th anniversary of our high school. And all I got was black…
I wish I had Nora Ephron to remember.
Although there were nine years between us – her commencement speech still speaks for me, reflects my life, gives voice to my dreams.
Some Snippets from that address: “Thank you for asking me to speak today. I was positive you would have gone to Martha Stewart first. And I meant to call her to see what she would have said, but I forgot. She would probably be up here telling you how to turn your lovely black robes into tents.”
“American society has a remarkable ability to resist change, or to take whatever change has taken place and attempt to make it go away.”
“What I’m saying is, don’t delude yourself that the powerful cultural values that wrecked the lives of so many of my classmates have vanished from the earth. There’s still a glass ceiling. Don’t let the number of women in the work force trick you – there are still lots of magazines devoted almost exclusively to making perfect casseroles and turning various things into tents.”
Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”
And now, a few moments for reflection, for questions and answers, for discussion, for whatever comes to mind. Let’s channel Nora – and share…
Thank you for allowing me, this evening, to talk about one of my favorite subjects — the amazing Nora Ephron.
We are now in for a great treat.
AAUW’s Joan Caldwell has agreed to be Nora Ephron and dramatize some of her famous and not-so-famous quotes. Joan is a woman of great accomplishment. She taught recreational dance for 51 years — 31 of them in the Bay Area. And she has acted in many school and other productions — especially in the area of improvisation.
Joan is part of a wonderful big family — she has seven children and 19 grandchildren! I’ve also heard that she did a spine-tingling recreation of the character of Rose of Sharon in the Grapes of Wrath at several book talks last year. As you know the Grapes of Wrath was last year’s One Book, One Community selection.
Please welcome Joan Caldwell…